i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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