I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize