You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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