I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said âEat Freshâ while his GF was with him. FML
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