yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
