Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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