It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
