The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
