Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
