Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
