Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I think my moral compass just broke
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