Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Randomize
