it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
