Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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