I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
