Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
