I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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