I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
