your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
