When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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