You don't have asthma, your pregnant
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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