I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
