Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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