i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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