I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
