Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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