Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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