You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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