why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
