Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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