I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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