And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
