U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize