Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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