Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
