I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
