I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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