Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize