A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
