Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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