Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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