Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
