The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Randomize
