So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
