Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
