Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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