Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
