She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
This toilet bowl is my home.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
