I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
