How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
