to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
So. Much. Porn.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
