I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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