Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
And then my night got REAL pukey
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
