so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
