why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
