I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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