Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
one two three fourrrrnication!
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
