I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize